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Flirting isn’t always easy to spot. By its very nature, it can be interpreted in many ways. A gesture, a smile, or an emoji can all be used to emphasize a point—or to hint at a desire for something more. “The subtlety is really what makes flirting fun and engaging,” says psychotherapist Suzette Bray. So the difference between being friendly and flirting comes down to intent. “Being friendly is showing kindness, warmth, and genuine interest in someone,” explains psychologist Shaakira Haywood Stewart, PhD. “Flirting, on the other hand, is kindness wrapped in attraction or desire. It has a different energy.” Flirting tends to involve behaviors or words that suggest attraction, interest, or a request for attention. “It’s often playful or teasing, with a bit of sexual tension,” Bray explains.

Of course, complimenting someone doesn’t always mean flirting. For my friend, it depends on the choice of words. “If he had said ‘nice hair,’ I probably wouldn’t have cared so much,” she admits. “But ‘hot’ sounds sexy. I already felt uncomfortable with their relationship—she was texting him a lot. Seeing the text confirmed my fears: he definitely didn’t turn her down.” Whether real or perceived, flirting can sow seeds of distrust in a relationship—or, as in my friend’s case, water seeds that have already begun to sprout. “It can be damaging to a relationship, especially if it makes one person feel insecure or disrespected,” confirms licensed mental health counselor Rachel Marmor. “Over time, it can really take a toll on emotional intimacy.”

A few years ago, a friend told me about a text message she saw her boyfriend send to a coworker. “Your haircut looks hot,” the message said. Annoyed, she asked him what he meant. “Nothing,” he shrugged. “I was just complimenting her.” My friend tried to brush it off, but the bad feelings lingered. They broke up a few months later. “The text wasn’t the only reason, but it didn’t help. I couldn’t get over the thought that he was flirting with me behind my back. I lost trust,” she said.
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