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Flirting isn’t always easy to spot. By its very nature, it can be interpreted in many ways. A gesture, a smile, or an emoji can all be used to emphasize a point—or to hint at a desire for something more. “The subtlety is really what makes flirting fun and engaging,” says psychotherapist Suzette Bray. So the difference between being friendly and flirting comes down to intent. “Being friendly is showing kindness, warmth, and genuine interest in someone,” explains psychologist Shaakira Haywood Stewart, PhD. “Flirting, on the other hand, is kindness wrapped in attraction or desire. It has a different energy.” Flirting tends to involve behaviors or words that suggest attraction, interest, or a request for attention. “It’s often playful or teasing, with a bit of sexual tension,” Bray explains.

All of that makes sense, but we also know that it can be difficult to know someone’s true intentions. You can ask, but the other person may not be fully aware of it. My girlfriend, for example, whose boyfriend was a co-worker texting, suspected he might have been craving attention: “Looking back, he always needed a lot of validation; no amount was ever enough,” she says. “I don’t think he realized that a lot of his behavior was on display.” Others are still just naturally charismatic and enjoy engaging in what they consider harmless fun. “For some people, it adds a spark to their lives, makes them feel desired and confident,” says Bray. “They might call it ‘innocent’ because it’s not meant to go the extra mile for ego boosts or playful interactions.”

It’s worth noting, however, that most experts agree that flirting, by definition, is never completely harmless: “There’s always an intention behind flirting, and anything that has an intention behind it isn’t harmless,” says psychotherapist Adrienne L. Marshall. “Whether you’re trying to get something you want, trying to be perceived a certain way, or trying to signal that you find someone attractive, flirting has an intention.” That doesn’t mean flirting is always negative or wrong, though. “Some couples may find it enjoyable to watch their partner flirt or be flirted with,” points out therapist Lauren Auer.

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